Friday, September 29, 2006

Jim Lehrer: Bags of Boredom

Jim Lehrer has been boring the world to death for decades. Barely blinking, rarely thinking, this man has never asked the tough questions, always maintains the status quo and thus has been a career-long model American journalist. His "probing" interviews with Dickless Shamey are so penetrating that the White House puts transcripts of them on their website. Way to go Jim! You really know how to use your authority in the media to inform the American public of the criminal activities of the Vice President. Just kidding! You don't.

But significant issues of ethics and journalism aside, his most pressing problem is his desperate need for blepharoplasty. Yes, I realize he hasn't even managed to update his tie collection since 1968 ('that damn Viet Namn war just monopolized all ma time! I'm still tryina ketch up!') but blepharoplasty is not as new as he thinks: it's been around almost as long as he has.

The problem lies in double standards: women are expected to actively make themselves look ugly through plastic surgery techniques like lip collagen, cheek implants, nostril de-enhancement and other techniques meant to improve, but effective only at disproving, beauty. The argument being that women must constantly be appearing to try to look better. Men, on the other hand, are expected to revel in their ugliness and to never seem as if they care that 10 pounds of extra fat and sagging skin is housed under each one of their eyes.

This is wrong.

Jim Lehrer, it is your duty as a "news"man and an American to get them bags off yer eyes. Just think, it might even help you see things clearer.

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