Tuesday, July 18, 2006

"Yo Blair, 'Sup?"

....................................................G8 2006: Bush Blair Open Up (Photo: CNN)

In another unabashedly entertaining appearance on the world stage (you'll recall Bush's pee-pee note at the UN last year), Sir Bush-a-Lot has stuck it to the Brits. This time it wasn't a sneak-peek at Bush's toilet request but an actual recording of an off-the-cuff conversation between the BB's at the G8 conference in St. Petersburg yesterday. And while the US press does damage control for their BushMaster, the conversation speaks volumes about the BB relationship, the truth about the Middle East and famous personalities that simply nobody can hide or brush off. For your reading pleasure (courtesy of the UK Independent), I offer the Bush-Blair Diaries transcript (complete with Saccharinist commentary):

Bush: Yo, Blair. How are you doing? (No, dude, how you doin'?)

Blair: I'm just... (waiting for your signal baby! I'll blow anything you want: Iraq, Iran, um...anything...)

Bush: You're leaving? (I hear you baby, shakin' that thang!)

Blair: No, no, no not yet. On this trade thingy....(inaudible)

Bush: Yeah, I told that to the man. (Oops, I mean da man! Wait, das me, ain't it?)

Blair: Are you planning to say that here or not? (Can you speak on your own behalf or do you want me to help you baby?)

Bush: If you want me to. (Thanks mommy!)

Blair: Well, it's just that if the discussion arises... (please, please let me say something too!)

Bush: I just want some movement. (I hate fuckin' hate waitin' around. Diplomacy sucks.)

Blair: Yeah. (Uh! I mean, Yes.)

Bush: Yesterday we didn't see much movement. (Yesterday I came this close to fuckin' killin' someone I was so damn bored waitin' for that slow-ass Kofi to make it clear who the real boss is here.)

Blair: No, no, it may be that it's not, it may be that it's impossible. (Um, well, see, the thing is...um, sometimes you, well, uh, don't get what you want. I mean! You do, but maybe it might possibly take a little time and um, diplo...diplomacy. Please don't hit me!)

Bush: I am prepared to say it. (Fuck them all. I do what I want!)

Blair: But it's just I think what we need to be an opposition... (We need to take a stand Bushy baby. Let's do it together. You and me baby -- together forever.)

Bush: Who is introducing the trade? (Who's gonna get this off my back?)

Blair: Angela (You know, freckle-arse...last night was great wasn't it, baby? You know we're hot!)

Bush: Tell her to call 'em. (Tell that overgrown bitch I want this done. Now! And I'M hot, got it? ME, not you!)

Blair: Yes. (Yes, sir. Right on you...eh! I mean, it, Sir!)

Bush: Tell her to put him on, them on the spot. Thanks for the sweater it's awfully thoughtful of you. (Can't make this stuff up folks! Real life is real comedy!) (Anyway baby, if it weren't for you I don't know what I'd do -- I'd just. Gosh, your affectionate little gifts just make my pretty little day. Kissy?)

Blair: It's a pleasure. (Anything you want, baby. Just say it and I'll do you...I mean, it!)

Bush: I know you picked it out yourself. (Don't let me find out that your goddamn secretary or that wack-jawed wife a yours picked this shit out! I'm Number One, you hear that? Number One!)

Blair: Oh, absolutely, in fact (inaudible) (in fact, I liked it so much, I bought one for myself. We can be bosom buddies. Can we both wear them to tonight's event? Then everyone can know! Everyone can know about...us!)

Bush: What about Kofi? (inaudible) His attitude to ceasefire and everything else ... happens. (What the fuck? Have you lost your mind, you know it's me and Kofi right now! I've got a lot needs doin' over that UN shit. Kofi's still kinda upset about Colin and Iraq...Don't stress me like this baby! You know what it does to me!)

Blair: Yeah, no I think the (inaudible) is really difficult. We can't stop this unless you get this international business agreed. (No, no, no! I understand, baby. Um, anyway, even though we can stop this gratuitous killing in the Middle East with just one word, it would be best if we got our business demands met first, right, baby? You know I want you happy and rich most of all -- those Arabs can just keep dying until my Bushy is satisfied on world trade.)

Bush: Yeah. (Let them die and don't you try to convince me that money isn't worth more'n human life. I took pre-algebra in college mothafucka!)

Blair: I don't know what you guys have talked about, but as I say I am perfectly happy to try and see what the lie of the land is, but you need that done quickly because otherwise it will spiral. (Sure, sweety, but, um, maybe we can do both. I mean, I'd be more than happy to head over to the Middle East today and make myself a candidate for the Nobel, oops! I mean, and make myself useful in trying to stop this needless killing.)

Bush: I think Condi is going to go pretty soon. (You wish, pasty-ass! I've got Legs-of-Steel headin' over there. She doesn't mind it anymore ever since Sharona dropped outta the scene.)

Blair: But that's, that's, that's all that matters. But if you... you see it will take some time to get that together. (Certainly, Sir! I would never suggest that I take her place in your bed, I mean, at your side!)

Bush: Yeah, yeah. (Back off will ya? I told you last night your breath stinks. I need some air!)

Blair: But at least it gives people... (though, of course, I could always, I mean, I'd be happy to...)

Bush: It's a process, I agree. I told her your offer to... (Piss off! The answer is NO.)

Blair: Well... it's only if I mean... you know. If she's got a..., or if she needs the ground prepared as it were... Because obviously if she goes out, she's got to succeed, if it were, whereas I can go out and just talk. (But baby! I wanna be in the limelight too. You never let me do things anymore. I can just be a talking head -- I promise I won't achieve anything -- I'll just act like I give a shit about this illegal war.)

Bush: You see, the ... thing is what they need to do is to get Syria, to get Hizbollah to stop doing this shit and it's over. (Whatever, Syria's in charge and I want them to stop Hizbollah.)

Blair: (inaudible) (It's not Syria, baby...I swear they're powerless.)

Bush: (inaudible) (What the fuck did you say? Are you talking back to me? Now tell me again who I want stopped?)

Blair: Syria.

Bush: Why? (That's more like it. And for what reason do I went them stopped?)

Blair: Because I think this is all part of the same thing. (Because they run Hizbollah. Right? That's what you want me to say, right? Please affirm me! Please make me whole again!)

Bush: Yeah. (Now get up off yer knees.)

Blair: What does he think? He thinks if Lebanon turns out fine, if we get a solution in Israel and Palestine, Iraq goes in the right way... ("He" refers to Syria's Bashar al-Assad)

Bush: Yeah, yeah, he is sweet. (Sweet my ass. I'm sweet! I AM SWEET!)

Blair: He is honey. (Yeah, that's right: honey. But you're sweeter baby!) And that's what the whole thing is about. It's the same with Iraq.

Bush: I felt like telling Kofi to call, to get on the phone to Assad and make something happen. (That Kofi needs to be told what to do. I swear I'm tired of keepin' that niggah's back all the time.)

Blair: Yeah. (Me too. (Sheds tear).)

Bush: (inaudible) (What'd you say? What did you call me?)

Blair:(inaudible) (Nuttin' honey! I was just agreeing with you.)

Bush: We are not blaming the Lebanese government. (Anyway, obviously Lebanon is a non-player here. They're just stuck in the middle of this. But make sure the press clearly implicates Lebanon -- we can't let anyone think we're randomly brutalizing a blameless nation.)

Blair: Is this...? (Fin! According to the Indy, Blair tapped the mic at this point and the sound was cut.)

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