Well Awl Be: A Terrorist!

And, just to add a little flair to the election day festivities, a recently-released nutcase right outside of Berkeley, California (yes, for those of you who've ever been there, it is indeed difficult to differentiate the nuts from the bolts in that town) has demonstrated what minorities of all shades and backgrounds have been grumbling about all over the world since September 11th happened: the ridiculousness of excessive security probes.

You see, a completely naked 33-year-old John Sheehan was peacefully masturbating himself in the middle of a town where most people openly smoke marijuana and still think it's 1968, when police surrounded him and attempted to arrest him for what was presumably indecent exposure, only to be struck with fear at his next admission: that he was carrying a concealed weapon!

Shock! Horror! and...the P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act.

Turns out ol' man Sheehan was concealing his weapon in the only place he had left to conceal anything: his rectum. Moments later, hero that he was, he saved the Bay Area and most likely the world from horrible terrorist destruction when he pulled out a 6-inch awl from his ass. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Thank goodness for invasive security measures!